Our Instagram collaboration with @christianswhocursesometimes continues. What follows is part three of the Q&A hosted over Valentine’s Weekend.
Also, if you’re on Instagram be sure to follow @sexymarriageradio
Here are the questions asked by women, along with my replies….
Question: ok ok, I think I need to send this: my husband recently came to me and told me he’s been wondering about a threesome. ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is not something I’ve ever thought would ever come up in my marriage. My husband is a strong Christian, works in our church, and I’m completely shocked and disgusted that he would even bring this up. He definitely got embarrassed when I reacted like this but wtf? What do I do?
Dr Allan’s Reply: By wondering, do you mean exploring and sharing the fantasy only with you or is he interested in taking actionable steps towards experiencing the fantasy? There is a big difference between the two!
Our fantasy often have some political incorrectness to them, but some we would never actually do, or maybe even want to do yet we still fantasize about it. Your role in this process is to stick to what you hold dear and your boundaries. If he wants to actually do something beyond your boundary then you don’t have to participate – and you would then have to make a decision based on his decision and action.
But the fact he has this fantasy, ok. What are some of yours?
If he was simply sharing a fantasy he never actually wants to experience in real life, he just raised the level of intimacy in your marriage. Yes, some things we share will possibly be disruptive to the relationship for a bit – but what defines us most as humans and spouses are the decisions and actions we take.
If you can create the room for you each of you to share your hopes, dreams, and yes, even fantasies, while you also stick to your integrity and character in actions – you’ll challenge both of you to grow even more intimate with each other – which may in fact be all the woman he can really handle 🙂
Question: This may be too much/TMI but any tips for sex life after a miscarriage? It’s been some time, my hubs and I have tried to heal. But sex is still the last thing I want to do. I feel bad because obviously my husband wants to be intimate. But I’m just very emotional about anything sexual and I can’t help but feel guilt when having sex now. How are we supposed to “try” for a child again after this? Sex feels so forced now.
Dr Allan’s Reply: Us humans are capable of having sex for lots of different reasons, beyond just for the purpose of procreating and pleasure. What if you approach sex with your husband as a way to connect and be tender and affectionate? What if you have sex as a way to comfort each other?
How are you taking care of your emotions and grief during this time? How are you taking care of the yourself in the other areas of your life and marriage? Are there ways you want to be romantic during this grieving and healing time that don’t involve sex? Cuddling. Watching a movie. Long walks. Coffee talks. Exercising.
Sometimes focusing on enhancing the other areas of your relationship will help get the sexual side going again. And when you find yourself approaching sex with him again, speak up about where you are in the moment and what you are looking for. Maybe tender-loving sex can be healing for the both of you.
For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/grief-and-sex/
Question: I hate submitting this but here we go— I’ve never had an orgasm. I get really close but then I get so tired I just tell him to stop. Or most the time I won’t get close at all. I still have a lot of fun tho and in general it really doesn’t bother me, but I really want to experience it. He’s tried everything-so I’m pretty sure he’s not the problem.
Dr Allan’s Reply: There are many women who have struggled with this or continue to struggle just like you. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, as this actually will work against you in achieving this goal. Yes, women are capable of enjoying sex without orgasming but you’re also missing out on the full experience for yourself.
For many women the path to achieving orgasmic levels begins with the mind. How relaxed and open is your mind to your body during these times? Many women don’t achieve orgasmic levels through sheer determination or “bearing down” during the event. Instead, focus your mind on the sensations and pleasures. And letting go.
It is also worth noting that a lot of women who struggle to orgasm begin their journey solo. What type of touch feels good and pleasurable? Where should the touch be hard or soft or rhythmic? Where are your most reliable erogenous zones? A spouse can help you find these answers but sometimes when you’re just beginning this type of exploration he may just get in your way.
Also, for a majority of women the most reliable route to orgasm must involve clitoral stimulation. And this stimulation can be from fingers or a vibrator – after all, most clitorises respond very well to vibrations.
This is a process, so whether or not you quickly achieve this goal you can enjoy the pleasures and experiences along the way! And so can your husband eventually as well.
Question: My husband has no problem giving me oral. He says he enjoys it too. However, I have a really hard time giving him oral. Really bad gag reflex every time, like I really want to throw up. And it’s not enjoyable at all which makes it hard to want to keep doing it. He’s also on ssri’s and that makes it hard for him to come. Like oral and hands takes 40 to over an hour. How do I combat the shame I feel about not reciprocating to the same level he does? We’ve talked about it and prayed against the shame. And I know he isn’t truly disappointed in me, but I also know he loves oral and would probably love it if I did it often.
Dr Allan’s Reply: There are several things to point out with this –
First, regarding the act itself. Who says oral sex has to proceed all the way to orgasm? Can it be part of a larger experience together? Yes, there are times when it can be the main event, but it can also be an opening act or a smaller stage event.
Second, you don’t have to try and fit his entire penis or even get it way back into your mouth. Try wrapping one of your hands around the shaft to be able to control the depth more, plus your hand will help increase the experience for him if you move it in rhythm with your mouth. Incorporate some kissing and licking as well. I am assuming your gag reflex is most often when his penis is in your mouth so there are a couple things you can do, breathe and relax. You can also put your thumb in the palm of your hand, make a fist and squeeze, this gets your brain to focus on something else for a second.
The other thing to do is talk to him about this and be creative. If you do oral sex interchanged with manual stimulation, vaginal intercourse, rubbing with other parts of your body perhaps that creates a pleasurable experience that doesn’t require your mouth to work so long. Have you also tried performing oral or manual stimulation in different locations around the house, car, work, etc (within reason)? A change in scenery can do wonders for eroticism and novelty which may speed things along.
As for the shame you feel in not reciprocating – the SSRIs do seem to have an impact on his arousal to climax cycle. That’s part of the deal you guys have to face at this stage in life and marriage. Yes, pray and work towards confronting that shame because there’s really nothing shameful happening. Have you also thought about praying for him to increase his sexual response cycle? I believe God wants us to bring all of ourselves to Him so seek and ye shall find.
Question: My partner’s erection goes soft sometimes during the middle of sex. He says he has no idea when it happens, but it can make it uncomfortable for me. Eventually it does go back to being hard. What can we do to make this happen less often? My best theory so far is that he needs to work on his cardio, but that feels like shaming him.
Dr Allan’s Reply: So you’re telling me you’ll be having sex with your partner, he loses his erection, a little or a lot, he has no idea and it becomes uncomfortable for you? If he’s not paying attention enough to notice this about himself, or you – then you gotta speak up girl. Yes, this will be disruptive for the experience but I don’t believe any woman (or man) should experience pain or discomfort during sex … unless that’s what you’re in to, but that’s another topic.
What is it that gets his erection going again? Discover that and those are the things you can both possibly play a role in addressing, but his erection is his erection. You simply just get to enjoy it or not.
As to why this happens for some men, your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps there is a blood flow or cardio component to it but I’d be more curious about where his mind and emotions are when this occurs. We are all capable of disconnecting from ourselves and the moments in life and sex, but it’s the bringing ourselves back that creates the best connections and intimate moments together.
When this happens to men (and it usually will at some point) it is best to be realistic and curious about it – not critical or judgmental. It is a problem, yes. But it’s not the end of the world. Perhaps he can get his mind engaged again. Perhaps you can use your feminine superpowers to draw him to you again. There’s usually not one clear path for everyone, but there is a way to collaborate together towards a mutual goal.