Last week I posted the question and answer session I’ve been invited to lead for @christianswhocursesometimes on Instagram.
This week is round two of that conversation. Also, be sure to check out SMR’s account page and follow us on IG — @sexymarriageradio
Here are the questions asked during round 2, along with my replies….
Question: I am pregnant (3rd child) and my sex drive is through the roof. Husband and I have always had a very healthy sex life but I want even more. He wants to please me, but it’s…a lot. We’ve talked about it and that makes him feel worse (don’t get me wrong, he still wants it a lot too, I’m just like crazy drive over here!) What do we do? I know this is a unique period that will probably only last another six weeks or so…
Dr Allan’s Reply: There are a couple of things to keep in mind. One, like you’ve already stated, this is a unique season and it will return to whatever the normal is for you both eventually – so enjoy what you can while in this season.
Second, while your overall libido and drive may be increased, has the meaning of the act of sex changed at all for you. Or put another way, what exactly are you desiring during this increased season? Is it the connection, orgasms, physical pleasure and sensations? Sometimes simply understanding better what you are wanting each time can help lessen a little of the pressure on your husband. Like, if you find yourself raging for orgasm after orgasm you don’t solely have to rely on him – or his penis. Perhaps he can help you out with other parts of his body, or you can take some of this into your own hands, either with him when you are together or on your own. If you are raging from more connection, is it possible to satisfy this through romantic or affectionate routes as well? Knowing more what you are after can allow you to communicate this with him and maybe find elegant solutions. For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/desire-differences-and-communication/
Question: How do you get “anal sex” out of your partners mind? I’m not comfortable with it but he continues to try to get it or make me feel guilty for not trying it.
Dr Allan’s Reply: It’s likely you won’t get anal sex out of your partner’s mind because his mind is not something you can control. You can however continue to keep him out of your anus if that is not something you are interested in doing.
You also have to come to grips with the reality that other people want what they want and will make all kinds of moves in an attempt to get it. You do this as well. Your stance on anal sex is yours, your task is to hold to what you want and own it. He can try to make you feel guilty about your stance – but it’s just a move. Smile at him and offer up what you want. This is all part of the dilemma of higher desire and lower desire differences.
A better question is how do you confront a spouse that wants what you don’t want? He has the same question of you, but he way. This dilemma is what creates gridlocks in every committed relationship. And the key thing to know about gridlock is more communication doesn’t solve it. Gridlock is tied mostly to the meanings we have placed on the actions or behaviors we want or our partner’s want us to want. How can you challenge/solidify your meanings so at least you can hold more tightly to what you believe and want?
Being able to confront these kinds of gridlock issues requires our integrity and character. Giving in often damages yourself. Forcing your wants on others often damages them. It is possible to grow through this process by challenging and solidifying your self – which in turn may create a more genuine connection with each other – far beyond if anal sex is happening or not.
Question: My wife and I are struggling with our sex life. We just got married this past summer, and there has already been a shift in sexual desires. I constantly want to be physical, both sexually and non sexually because I am a very physical person. But she has lost almost all her libido and doesn’t want to ever have sex. It’s gotten to the point where it’s putting a strain on our relationship and it’s killing my confidence as a man. She doesn’t want to disappoint me, but she also really doesn’t want to have sex with me.
I want to respect her body and be patient. But it hurts my heart so much every time because it really feels like she doesn’t want me.
We’ve talked about doing counseling but we really can’t afford anything right now, so it’s just gotten me feeling alone, unwanted, and frustrated.
What’s the best way to address these problems?
Dr Allan’s Reply: Before you overreact — are you really unwanted and alone? Frustrated, yes, I can hear in your question, but the others are actually what comes along with married life. My guess is you feel unwanted and alone in the sexual aspect of your relationship, but likely not the other areas of the marriage. This happens to varying degrees after the chemically induced high of a new relationship wears off. Romance and sexual encounters are easier in the beginning but they inevitably wane over time and are replaced with the struggles you are experiencing.
To address the differences in desires between you first it helps to recognize that there is a higher desire and a lower desire on everything in marriage. One of you will want something more than the other. Each of these points on the continuum are simply different. Neither one is right or wrong – only different.
Second, ask yourself if the sex you’re having (or wanting) is really worth wanting. Or even more pointedly, are you worth having sex with? Being honest about these questions may give you insight into how this dynamic shifted so drastically between you both.
And third, finding a way to seek help with a professional when you face these types of gridlock issues in marriage, especially early on, is absolutely money well spent. Be an advocate for yourself and each other and reach out to a professional and ask them for a reduced fee – if they say no, you are no worse off than you were before. Shameless plug – you can also listen to Sexy Marriage Radio for free as we’ve addressed this many times in the past. For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/the-lower-desire-wife/
Question: I can imagine I’m the only woman sending this but can you PLEASE teach my husband some tips on how to go down on me? I always tell him what I like but I think he always feels like he needs to show off and switch up what he’s doing all the time. I can tell he enjoys it but I always feel like I’m telling him to calm down and not go so wild 😰
Dr Allan’s Reply: As much as I like being a teacher (especially in the sexual arena) the best teacher of oral sex on you – is you. One of the main issues that regularly comes up for couples during oral sex is the importance of communicating and then following the connection. This elegant dance is what we do in lots of areas of married life, but it’s all the more intense when one spouse has their mouth around the other spouse’s genitals. When a husband seems to act like they know what they’re doing, or they’re determined to do things their own way, then it is up to the wife to speak up for herself and regularly teach or stop things all together for the moment in order to get the message across. Collaborative alliances in sex are sometimes difficult to establish and maintain but you are only responsible for your side of the alliance. Try talking about this more while not actually in the moments of it as well. Also look for the ways in which you both already do a good job of teaching and learning from each other. What makes you better students in those situations? Sometimes our strengths get missed or forgotten when we are in intense sexual situations together.
I believe sex is a language — so keep working to teach him your language and perhaps you both will become even better poets with each other. For more https://smrnation.com/the-language-of-sex-part-1/
Question: I’m not married yet, but I’m 6’2 and a kind of large stature and my fiancé is 5’1 and pretty physically tiny. We’ve had some conversations and without going into too much detail we’re both very concerned that I’m not going to “fit” on our wedding night, let alone ever. Is this something we should be worried about? Is there anything she or I could do to prepare?
Dr Allan’s Reply: It’s pretty common for couples to have several concerns when sex finally is introduced in the relationship. First, talk and take your time with each other. Second, regardless of size, take your time and make sure there’s lots of lubrication.
As for your specific concerns about your possible size difference – unless you are well above average in endowment size, even if she’s physically tiny in size, the vagina is an exquisitely unique organ. The vagina is incredibly elastic – it is small enough to hold a tampon in place, but can expand enough to allow a baby through. For you guys, take your time. Experience enough foreplay to warm her up, then communicate your way through the experience together. Most couples I’ve worked with who experience pain, discomfort or trouble “fitting” haven’t spent the time for the woman to physically respond enough to invite the penis inside – i.e. not enough engorgement or lubrication.
If there is indeed a size issue between you, there are some positions that allow for deeper penetration and there are some that only allow for shallow penetration. Once again, take your time and talk your way through this together. After all – you’re embarking on a marriage with each other – you have lots of time to try things out, learn from each other, and the discovery of what you don’t yet know each of you are capable of doing with and for each other.